Ian McKnight Wrapped
I have once again neglected to send out a Christmas card. Mostly, I just did not get around to it. Also, it is too much trouble and kind of expensive and I do not keep a list of the mailing addresses of friends and family.
If I did send out a Christmas card, it would probably be one of those Christmas letters approximating a press release that come on regular paper. Glossy paper is too expensive, I don’t believe in color printers, and I do not need people to have more pictures of me than absolutely necessary.
Still, the Christmas letter is not without its faults. Its sentimentalism is tiresome and provides little in the way of useful information. Further, it is unseemly to advertise happiness and prosperity, and to do so would only invite trouble.
To quote a blog post from the firm that His Honor the Mayor paid $4 million of our money to invent the notion of a garbage can, “What sets outperformers apart is their systematic, comprehensive approach to data-driven value maximization.” It is in that spirit of data-driven value maximization(?) that I present this alternative to the treacly Christmas letter.
Ian McKnight’s 2022 by the numbers
Credit card transactions at bagel stores — 53
Elections in which eligible to vote — 4
in which voted — 4
in which served as a poll worker — 3
days when drank champagne before 8 a.m. — 1
Work emails — 5,049
State capitals visited — 6
in which climbed capitol dome — 1
Showers taken — 714
of which on a moving train — 1
Personal funds spent on Am*zon (USD) — 0
Personal funds spent at the NYC ice cream place that opened a L*s Ang*les location (USD) — 0
Personal funds spent on Ub*r (USD) — 0
self-righteous scooter rides across midtown Atlanta in a full suit — 1
NYC taxi rides in which the cabbie revealed himself to have previously lived in Canton, Michigan — 2, somehow
Personal funds spent on L*ft (excluding CitiBike, which they operate) (USD) — 0
CitiBike rides taken — 126
of which with a helmet, Grandma — 126
Reports to NYC 311 — 9
of which concerned Uber drivers parked in bike lanes — 3
Amount of money I would have received from the City of New York for reporting Uber drivers in bike lanes if City Council would pass Int 0501-2022 (USD) — 131.25
Nights in hotel rooms where a Book of Mormon was present in the nightstand — 16
Subway and bus rides (since June 1 only) — 423
of which free because of new MTA fare capping rules — 86
of which free because of transfers — 62
Countries visited — 2
of which not visible from the Detroit River — 0
Taxable dependent care benefits from Form 2441, line 26 — 0
Steps taken — 3,620,714
Average out-of-pocket cost of podiatry per day (cents) — 51
Distance from home to ocean (miles) — 11.3
Time in direct physical contact with salt water (seconds) — 2
Distance from home to Lake Michigan (miles) — 645
Time in direct physical contact with Lake Michigan (seconds, for consistency) — 1,320
Checks written — 34
Broadway plays attended — 9
of which in Yiddish — 1
of which with English supertitles — 1
Times getting on a stand-up paddle board — 8
of which were not climbing back on after having fallen off — 1
Gasoline purchased in the Commonwealth of Kentucky (gallons) — 2.781
Christmas cards sent — 0
Distractions
Things I have been reading, watching, and listening to this week.
“Where do NYC’s Street Cart Donuts Come From?” by Anne Kadet in Café Anne.
When I am early to the office in the morning, I treat myself to a donut from a street cart. (This habit is not as unhealthy as it sounds because I am not a morning person and it is rare that I am early.) The donuts are pretty good for something purchased from a cart on the street for $1.50 and are remarkably consistent between carts. It was only natural, then, that I should wonder about their provenance.
Imagine my pleasure when I discovered that Kadet (also on Substack) went to all the trouble of venturing through Brooklyn and Queens to find out.