I am not happy to see more smiles.
I flew this week, which is never a particularly pleasant experience. It has been made even more sordid this week by the recent ruling on the mask mandate. A sign in the airport explaining the new rules said, “We’re happy to see more smiles,” but nobody has ever smiled at LaGuardia to begin with. If not happy, the mouth breathers of the world certainly seemed emboldened by the change and took great pleasure in munching on loud foods and coughing.
I liked the mask rule on airplanes not only for its obvious public health benefits but because I think it added a small sense of decorum to an otherwise lawless experience and made for interesting lessons in human behavior. I was disappointed when my preferred airline cast its rules aside almost immediately after the federal ruling, and it only strengthened my belief that the only airline suitable for travel would be one that I run myself.
The problem with today’s airlines is that, in their ceaseless pandering to the traveling public, they have created an environment far too conducive to Unacceptable Behavior. Children shriek. People stand on the wrong side of the escalator in the airport. Passengers dress in short sleeves and synthetic fibers and shirts with floral prints. People en route to warm places move too slowly in lines.
Ian McKnight Airlines will solve these problems and become wildly popular as a result. It will be recognized — at least among those wise enough to appreciate its brilliance — as the greatest airline this nation has ever known.
At present, the airline’s debut is being held up by a few financial matters (namely that Google says it will cost $834 million to start an airline and I still have some saving to do), but I have started work on the frequently asked questions webpage for Ian McKnight Airlines. What follows is an early draft:
When it comes to travel on Ian McKnight Airlines, we know you have a lot of questions. As you prepare for your trip, we hope that you will find this list of the questions we hear the most frequently to be helpful.
My family is looking for a fun spring getaway to somewhere warm. Do you fly somewhere like that?
With service to nearly a dozen airports across states that touch the Great Lakes, Ian McKnight Airlines already serves every worthwhile domestic destination. There are no expansion plans. Put on a coat and give Minneapolis a try this spring break!
I wish to bring a child with me but I do not see an option to book tickets for children. What am I to do?
We know that children can feel like family, but for everyone’s comfort and health, we regret that they are not permitted in the passenger cabin on any of our aircraft.
What are the fees for bags?
As part of our no-fee commitment, passengers may check up to 100 lbs. (46 kg) of luggage on each flight.
To speed along boarding and because humanity developed the concept of checked baggage decades ago, carry-on bags are not permitted on any Ian McKnight Airlines flight. We hasten to assure you that you will manage to survive the ninety minutes between New York and Detroit without a change of clothes.
Is food available onboard?
Pop, black tea, and Biscoff cookies are available on all flights.
Passengers on select flights may enjoy fresh chicken tenders.
Is coffee available? Green tea, even?
Black tea is available on all flights.
Is a special meal available to suit my dietary preferences?
No.
Must I dress in a certain way?
A favorite pair of sweatpants or treasured hoodie can make you feel right at home when you are traveling. If you wanted to feel right at home, you should have stayed there.
We invite* passengers to wear clothing appropriate for celebrating the miracle of human flight. That does not include “athleisure.” Don’t want to wear a tie? Fly Spirit and see how that goes for you.
*It sounds nice to say “invite,” but we’ll gladly cancel your ticket and leave you for dead if you try to wear a shirt with words on it.
Is there in-flight entertainment available?
Yes. All passengers will be entertained by the miracle of human flight. Back issues of the New Yorker will be made available in seat pockets on select flights.
My window shade won’t close. What’s up with that?
We know that many travelers prefer to keep their window shades closed. They are wrong and have lost all sense of wonder. Our window shades are glued open. Enjoy the view!
I hesitated for a moment when I was boarding and a man in an airline uniform took me by the wrist and dragged me out of the airport. The plane left without me. Now I’m going to miss my only child’s wedding. Why would anyone do that?
Serves you right. Maybe next time you’ll have learned your lesson about holding up the line. This is an airline, not a country club.
Distractions
Things I have been reading, watching, and listening to this week.
“Lucky-Go-Happy” by David Sedaris in the New Yorker.
Brand new David Sedaris travel complaints! What more do you even need to know?
“How a Lone Tenant is Holding Up a $70 Million Condo Deal” by Stefanos Chen in the New York Times.
More from the chaotic world of Manhattan real estate, where it has been a rough year. People are getting priced out. Buildings are changing hands. Everyone, it seems, is moving. Everyone except for one man on the Upper West Side: “Ahmet Nejat Ozsu,” the first line of the article tells us, “won’t budge.”
It is a fabulous New York real estate standoff story. The tenant has a (legally contested) right to stay and has remained there even as every neighbor has moved out and the landlord has put an industrial air purifier that sounds like a jet engine outside of the door.
It might be worth it: “Similar conditions,” the article says, “have led to a small number of eye-popping settlements for holdout tenants. In 2005, Herbert Sukenik, a longtime resident of the Mayflower Hotel, in the way of 15 Central Park West, a luxury tower, negotiated a $17 million buyout, plus the right to live at a nearby two-bedroom apartment overlooking the park for $1 a month.”